I’ve been sober for a while now — over 4 months at the time of this writing.
Generally, aside from the massive headaches and nausea I experienced for the first month or so after quitting cold turkey, it hasn’t been too much of a bother to stay sober. Most times, I forget that I used to drink several beers every night and I only occasionally crave alcohol.
Tonight is an example of the more difficult days associated with staying sober. So, instead of more destructive methods of satisfying that craving, I’m trying to “talk it out”.
What is my trigger tonight?
Extreme frustration with a project that I was given at work. I didn’t ask for it. In fact, I implied that I’d rather not be involved. My previous experiences with the project manager were highly frustrating and I didn’t really want to be in that position again. Well, it was foisted on me anyway.
Without going into details, the communication was lacking. I thought I understood things one way and when I attempted to clarify my understanding, I was met with shrugged shoulders (on one hand) and silence (on the other). So I went with my understanding. Too bad it was wrong.
Pick your favorite acronym: SNAFU, FUBAR, WTF… (note that all include the letter F). It’s a mess. And I’m the one left holding the bag.
Any attempt at trying to deflect the criticism that is guaranteed to come down on me will be perceived as not taking responsibility for my errors or for exactly what it is — deflecting. There’s shared responsibility, but it’s not going to be shared or seen that way. Face it — to use a phrase from the 80s, I don’t “have juice”. I don’t have cred compared to the others involved — I’m the noob of the group.
So, I am sitting and getting more angry tonight. Suddenly a nice cold beer sounds fantastic — it’ll just take the edge off the day, wouldn’t it? Just one and I’d be calmer and more serene.
The problem is that it wouldn’t be “just one”. It would be “just two”, “just three” and pretty soon the 12-pack would be gone.
The good thing about talking it out instead of acting, is that my wiser side realizes that I still have a problem. Always will. That cool-down period, filled with writing, has made me realize that I am trying to justify drinking tonight. I always had good reasons for drinking — the Rolodex was filled with “good” reasons…
Instead, I’m going to partake in slightly less destructive behaviors; blow the heads off of super mutants with a missile launcher, smoke a few in between leveling up and try to get some much needed sleep.