Goal for the week:
Making myself get over my nervousness regarding attending a Zen center. On Saturday, I will attend a course on zazen (sitting meditations) to prepare myself for going to a larger group meditation and/or private meditation early in the morning a few weekdays.
I’m thinking that I need to set aside time each day for informal meditation and several formal sittings. I don’t know for sure what I hope to gain by practicing meditation, I honestly don’t think I expect much. I hope that it helps me deal with some personal things I have to sort out, but I don’t expect anything profound to come out of it. But I do think it’ll help me sort out my brain if I take up a regular schedule of allowing my brain to shut off. I think I need to learn to not obsess about things as much as I do — maybe learning to embrace and release my thoughts will remove some of the need to turn things over in my head so much.
Why haven’t I taken up formal Zen training before? I’ve been a solitary practitioner of all of the traditions I have explored over the years and feel like I have gained much more by not exposing myself to the politics that invariably follow organized religion. I tend to mistrust gurus.
I also have the bias that I’ve picked up from Alan Watts, who dismissed prolonged meditation in his later years. I’ve probably used this perspective to justify my own lack of commitment to even short term meditation.
But now I am feeling a need even more than before to at least give regular zazen practice a chance. Perhaps it is because I feel as if aspects of my life are out of control. Perhaps it is time to make the next step, after over a decade of embracing both Taoism and Zen. Perhaps I am ready to admit that I’ve reached a roadblock with my study and I need guidance. I’m not sure if it is any of these things, or all of these things. I know that I need to do something to change some of my life and the only thing I can think of that I haven’t tried is accepting instruction in Zen.
So… this Saturday, I’ll be attending my first session of formal training. If it seems right after a few tries, I tentatively plan to spend as many as three days a week in a formal setting and setting aside time every day to practice zazen. For some reason, it seems like the most sensible thing I can do right now.
Wish me luck.