for me,
poetry beats the heart —
each moment,
an awakening
waiting to thrum
the petals of the
plum tree in the front yard burst –
perfume through the door
in the grass sits a rabbit, chewing
ignoring the baited live trap
i set last weekend
I’d make a terrible blind person.
Today, I had my first eye exam in more years than I can recall, forced upon me as part of my RA treatment. It is meant to monitor my eyes for toxicity associated with the drugs I am taking, but I’ve been meaning to go for several years now as I began to notice my eyesight deteriorating as I get older. From what I understand of the conversation, the poorer vision I have is due in large part to the fact that my eye is adjusting to nearby objects much slower than it used to, making me think that I it is worse — but in reality is just the same, only slower at focusing.
Part of the eye exam involves, as many of you know, having one’s eyes dilated. I could see well enough to drive home, but the chemical seemed to continue to work once I got home and it got harder to focus my eyes. By the time I had sat down, I might as well have been blind for the level of detail I was able to muster, everything blurs of color without definition.
I was this way for several hours after the appointment, my eyes only gradually beginning to work once again. The feeling I had was one of almost panic — I had a hard time accepting that I would be unable to see well for the time it would take for the drug to wear off. I wanted to take care of business I had sitting around, to read my emails that had come in for work and personal life. I felt useless as I sat in the chair, unable to make out anything at first and then, gradually, only things that were very far away.
As I think about it, this probably stems from my latent (”Ha!” you say. “Latent?”) desire to control everything. When I couldn’t see, I was out of control. I found myself time and again attempting to force the world back into focus.
Maybe that’s what we all do — try to force the world into focus, even when we are powerless to make it so. Maybe its better to accept the blur and uncertainty, sit down and wait for the things around us to come back into view before we act and just let it all be soupy for a little while.
I sat down once I realized there was nothing I could do, closed my eyes and smelled the perfume emanating from the plum tree just beginning to open its petals in our front yard. It was only a blog of white dots with my eyes open, but it became a living tree once I closed them.
Soon, as my daughter started to make the noises she makes when she first wakes up, furtive whimpers tinged with angst, I opened my eyes and could almost see the world once again.
And I appreciate more now what gift I have, that gift of sight.