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Torn

I’m torn between changing the focus of this site and shutting it down completely.  I haven’t written much for quite a while and I haven’t had much inclination to write about most of the things that this site has been centered around since I migrated over from earlier incarnations of my blog.

Part of me wants to get the motivation to write on a more regular basis but with an entirely new vision about subject matter.  The other part of me what’s to let sleeping dogs die.

Part of the driving factor is my change of motivation in life.  I haven’t had much interest in writing the past nine months or so, fiction, journaling or otherwise.  Music is out too.  As a site of shameless self promotion, this blog no longer has a purpose.

Why have I lost the drive to write?  Blame it on complete disgust with the local community of writers.  I definitely don’t want to be a writer if it means being grouped in with the people I met last year.  There were exceptions, but it basically felt like a popularity contest back in high school — this time the clique being writers.  Except, it was more about tearing each other down than it was about constructive criticism.  King of the hill — how many bodies lay bloddy and beaten at your feet?

No — I have no desire to write anymore.

So what have I been doing in my spare time?  Playing with my daughter and, when I’m not doing that, escaping into video games, working or sleeping.

Actually, I do want to write — just not fiction and I can’t imagine that this is all that interesting to anyone who is not me.

Well, let’s see if I can write more before another four months has passed.   Don’t be surprised if and when I do that things have changed around here, visually and/or subject-wise.

And then there are those days…

I’ve been sober for a while now — over 4 months at the time of this writing.

Generally, aside from the massive headaches and nausea I experienced for the first month or so after quitting cold turkey, it hasn’t been too much of a bother to stay sober.  Most times, I forget that I used to drink several beers every night and I only occasionally crave alcohol.

Tonight is an example of the more difficult days associated with staying sober.  So, instead of more destructive methods of satisfying that craving, I’m trying to “talk it out”.

What is my trigger tonight?

Extreme frustration with a project that I was given at work.  I didn’t ask for it.  In fact, I implied that I’d rather not be involved.  My previous experiences with the project manager were highly frustrating and I didn’t really want to be in that position again.  Well, it was foisted on me anyway.

Without going into details, the communication was lacking.  I thought I understood things one way and when I attempted to clarify my understanding, I was met with shrugged shoulders (on one hand) and silence (on the other).  So I went with my understanding.  Too bad it was wrong.

Pick your favorite acronym: SNAFU, FUBAR, WTF…  (note that all include the letter F).  It’s a mess.  And I’m the one left holding the bag.

Any attempt at trying to deflect the criticism that is guaranteed to come down on me will be perceived as not taking responsibility for my errors or for exactly what it is — deflecting.  There’s shared responsibility, but it’s not going to be shared or seen that way.  Face it — to use a phrase from the 80s, I don’t “have juice”.  I don’t have cred compared to the others involved — I’m the noob of the group.

So, I am sitting and getting more angry tonight.  Suddenly a nice cold beer sounds fantastic — it’ll just take the edge off the day, wouldn’t it?  Just one and I’d be calmer and more serene.

The problem is that it wouldn’t be “just one”.  It would be “just two”, “just three” and pretty soon the 12-pack would be gone.

The good thing about talking it out instead of acting, is that my wiser side realizes that I still have a problem.  Always will.  That cool-down period, filled with writing, has made me realize that I am trying to justify drinking tonight.  I always had good reasons for drinking — the Rolodex was filled with “good” reasons…

Instead, I’m going to partake in slightly less destructive behaviors; blow the heads off of super mutants with a missile launcher, smoke a few in between leveling up and try to get some much needed sleep.

The Epitome of Awful

Okay –

I have to ask…  Why the HELL would anyone allow this to happen to their site?  I almost long for the days of flashing marquee banners offering to give me a free HD TV…  With the high success rate of advertising using unobtrusive, text-only ads — why would a popular site willingly change their page into a quagmire of javascript, forced web page redirects and leave the actual reason for visiting the website clothed in obscurity?!?

Gah.

I used to love using this site for my dictionary and thesaurus.

I will NOT be endorsing or visiting it as long as this kind of advertising is taking place.

Any ideas for sites to replace this one which is worse than MySpace at its lowest point?

Addendum — Nor will I be buying the laundry detergent being sold on the site.  EVER .

Article Re Google Voice, AT&T and Apple

Could have some interesting repercussions, depending on how this all plays out with the FCC and their ruling.

It may affect which mobile apps are created and/or available and at what price.

FCC Takes on Apple and AT&T over Google Voice Rejection

Everyone has probably noticed

But, for once in my life, I have very little to say about much of anything.

I can’t see where that is apt to change anytime soon and I begin to wonder if maintaining a webpage makes much sense anymore.

In the past, a webpage was really all about me.  Now that I’ve humbled myself on a number of things, I feel that I have less to contribute than ever to online discussion.   I have no desire to write my thoughts down.  I don’t particularly see this as a good social experiment either.

Part of me thinks that my mood might change, but another part thinks the first is largely mistaken.